gina@lohmanhills.com

Keeping the promises we make to ourselves is important because if you can’t count on yourself, who can you count on? Keeping those promises shows us we’re trustworthy and dependable. That’s a good thing!

But for all the promises we gladly keep, there are other promises — promises which have outlived their usefulness, which no longer fit our lives. 

That’s the problem with open ended promises. Sometimes there’s an implication that these promises can and should go on forever. If we don’t take time to re-evaluate, new promises become old promises.

Old promises can become burdens, the source of anger and frustrations. The promise you made yourself to always stop for groceries on Friday before the weekend turns into a nightmare when you’re bringing along a cranky, exhausted two-year-old you’ve picked up from daycare.

Out-of-date promises conflict with new promises that need to be kept. 

The man who promised to always, always, always be at his parents’ house for the Christmas holiday gets into a fight with his new wife because she made a promise to always, always, always be at her parents’ house for the Christmas holidays. 

Are we obligated to live up to every single promise we’ve ever made? Do we need to carry them around like so much baggage until they finally die of old age? Should a promise be the source of resentment and bad feelings? 

Rather than be passive aggressive on the promise keeping and then feel guilty because I’m falling down on my commitments, I prefer a proactive approach. 

Promises with time limits. 

Setting time constraints on promises encourages me to reflect regularly — and without all the guilt. 

For instance, I’m on the board of my local homeschool group, and when I joined the board, I promised to serve as long as my son was still in high school. But I’ll be “graduating” from the homeschool board at the same time he graduates from high school. 

Several years ago in January I promised myself I wouldn’t start any new projects until I finished all the old ones. During that year, I completed two quilts and a bunch of smaller projects, but because I made this promise for a year, as December rolled around, I knew that promise had run its course and I was ready to start something new.

Periodically thinking about the promises I make is a promise I’ve made to myself. Putting a time limit on a promise is another. 

I owe it to myself and the people around to think about the commitments — the promises — I’ve made. Does this still work for me as something I want to continue? If it’s a promise that involves other people, I can connect with them and see how they feel. Does this commitment still fit our lives? 

More importantly, it helps keep me from getting over-promised, a.k.a over-committed.

I’ve spent the last several days reflecting on the notion of promises to keep, because finding a focus for the year ahead is — in a way — making a promise to myself. It’s saying, “I promise to concentrate on this one thing all year.” But if there are promises I make to myself, there’s an implication other types of promises are out there, too. Like the promises we make in marriage vows. Like the promises we make to our kids to go out for ice cream if all the chores get done on time. Like the professional promises we make when we sign contracts.

The more I toss the idea around in my mind, the more I conclude that — at its most basic level — it’s always about a promise I make to myself.

The only difference is whether or not the promise I make to myself also involves another person.

When I make a promise to paint my fingernails with clear polish, that’s a promise that doesn’t affect or concern anyone else. It’s totally up to me whether or not I keep that promise.

On the other hand, if I have a daughter and I promise to paint her fingernails with clear polish every week, it’s a commitment involving two people.

But in the end, the primary promise is still one I’m making to myself.

How so?

Well, in the purest sense the promise in this situation is really me promising myself I will make time every single week to paint my daughter’s fingernails.

Here’s another example: when my husband and I got married, our vows included the bit about not committing adultery. Sure it’s about telling him I won’t commit adultery, but in making that promise to him, I’m promising myself I won’t behave in a way that would lead to adultery. 

And I think that’s why it’s so important to follow through on the promises I make to myself. Each time I keep a promise to myself, I’m flexing a positive behavioral muscle and building a good habit so I can better keep the promises I make to others.

It’s also why it’s important to consciously evaluate and re-evaluate the promises and commitment we make to ourselves…but more about that next time!

This morning we awoke to a skiff of snow, followed by freezing rain.

As the ice built up, I wondered if we’d have tree damage or maybe lose power from falling branches.

A couple of times, I went outside and stood on our deck listening for a crash, but when I didn’t hear anything, it got me to thinking about the old question of “if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it—does it make any noise?”

Writing a blog can be something of the same thing — if I write a post and no one comments, sometimes I wonder if it “made any noise.” That’s why I’m always so glad when readers comment on the blog, drop a line at Facebook, or send an email.

Last weekend a friend wrote to let me know she’d enjoyed my “Rest Your Mind” post from last Friday. Then she went on to share how each year she picks something to do ”just for herself” on a regular basis.

She said she picks little things like painting her nails with clear polish each week or putting on  hand lotion every time she washes her hands. I love this idea, but that absolute best part is the fact that she never tells anyone what she’s doing.

She’s making a promise to herself to do something nice for herself, something that doesn’t matter to anyone else other than herself.

How cool is that?  

It’s easy for people (particularly women) to get so caught up taking care of every one and everything around us, we lose our sense of self. 

That’s one of the reasons I’m so committed to making and following through on my focal point. It’s is a way of proving to myself that I matter to me.

When I say “find your focus,” I really mean “YOUR FOCUS” — not a focus for your extended family, not one for your kids, and not one for your partner.

A focus that is: Just. For. You.

• If you want to focus on health, let it be because YOU want to focus on your health, not because someone is nagging you to be more healthy.  

• If you want to focus on writing a book, let it be because YOU want to write a book, not because some has said “you ought to write a book.”

• If you want to focus on learning Italian, let it be because YOU have always wanted to learn Italian and this is your year.

As I’m writing this, the sky is turning dark, the cedars drooping under the weight of the ice. Snowy evening always have me thinking about Robert Frost’s traveler, the one who stopped to look at the woods on a night like tonight. 

Frost’s traveler had promises to keep and miles to go before sleep. 

I don’t know what the promise was that he was keeping…but I certainly hope it was a promise he made to himself.

As I’m writing this, the first full week of January is history.

We’re already more than seven days into this new year of 2020. What was 52 weeks is now down to 51 weeks, and by this time next week, the first month of this brand new decade is more than half over.

And here I sit…with my list.

Years ago I would start each year with a list: goals and projects that I want to accomplish before next year at this time. Paint the downstairs bathroom, redesign a section of the flower garden this spring, eat healthy, set a regular schedule, keep the house more tidy and clean. 

The possibilities are endless, but it’s too much to focus on all at once. If everything is a priority, then nothing is a priority. If everything needs to be done, then nothing gets done. And all these to-dos are too much.  

So along with my list, I now have a focus word. It really helps, and it can help you too.

First off, decide on one single focus point for the year. Choosing one thing as a focal point means it’s easier to keep an eye on the prize. If all I do all year long is remember This. One. Thing. then all the little things will fall into place.

But when so many things are vying for my attention, what’s the best way to stay focused on the focal point? To keep the main thing the main thing?

That’s where simple, daily (and the daily part is important!) rituals can be your friend.

Don’t read. Don’t watch. Don’t consciously “think” about anything. Instead, focus your entire energy on the task at hand.

• Do simple household chores — fold and put away the laundry or do the dishes and wipe down the countertops. Make order where there was chaos or clutter. 
• Pick up some handwork — quilt, knit, or crochet for a while. Create something beautiful where you can see that little tiny stitches really do add up.
• Tend to something living — water a plant or feed a cat. Shower a little love and attention on something you care for.

And as you do these simple things let your mind rest.  Don’t worry about anything other than whatever small task is before you. 

I often find when I focus my conscious thoughts on something mundane, I’m hitting a mental reset button that makes it easier to get back at it when the time comes.

In fact, it’s the exact process I used to come up with a topic for this blog post.

It’s the first day of January — the middle of winter — and though (knock on wood) it hasn’t been overly cold so far this season, I find my thoughts turning toward summer. 

Of course, when it was summer, I did the same thing. As I rode my mower up and down the lawn, my thoughts turned toward this time of year…a time when I didn’t have to worry about cutting the grass.

Now, from my vantage point here at the beginning of a new year, I look ahead at the extended weather forecast, and think that for every day it’s temperate and not snowing and being generally disagreeable, I’m one day closer to crop pants and sandals.

What will life look like during those long, warm days? What things will have changed? What things will remain the same? More importantly, how can I make sure my year stays on track?

And that takes me back to mowing my grass. 

My yard has a few strangely shaped areas — a wide half-circle along the driveway, a fall-away embankment in the back yard, and then a long section on the northwest side of the house. 

That big chunk of lawn extends all the way to the hay field several hundred feet away. Sometimes I mow it in straight rows up and down and up and down, but other times I mow it at a 45 degree angle. 

Whichever pattern I’m mowing, the process is the same. From my starting location, I pick a fence post at the far end of the yard and focus on that spot, then I take my foot off the brake and mow the first strip, all the way from one end to the other.  

As soon as I get to the fence post at the far end, I turn around. And it’s funny, I can always tell my state of mind from looking at that first swathe of mowed grass.  

If I’m focused on what I’m doing, keeping my eye firmly on that fence post at the far end of the lawn, the line of mowed grass will be nice and straight, but when I’m distracted and turn my eye away from my marker, the line of mowed grass is always more curvy and irregular. 

And of course, that means the next several passes on the mower will take a bunch of extra effort to get things straightened out again. Sometimes I never get it straightened out the way I’d like, so I simply vow to do a better job next time.

I think the start of the year is exactly like making that first trip across long, raggedy grass. When I’m focused, my path through January, February, and March will be straight and well-directed. 

When I’m not focused? When my head isn’t clear? Then I arrive at the end of March (or worse…December!), only to look back at my path through this new year and think “What the heck happened here?!”

If I don’t take the time to find a focus for myself, my year will end up looking exactly like my messy lawn. Unfortunately, time isn’t as forgiving as grass.  

There aren’t any do-overs for the year 2019.  Now, all I can do is vow to do better in 2020.

For quite a while now I’ve become more fully committed to finding my focus as I move from the end of one year into the beginning of the next.  Having a single guiding thought for the year is like that fence post at the far end of the lawn, and keeping my eye on that one single idea helps me stay on track during the days, weeks, and months ahead.

This year having that sense of focus and direction seems even more urgent than usual because this isn’t simply the first day of a new month, it’s the first day of a new year in the first year of a new decade. 

I found my focal point, and now I’m looking at the figurative fence post that I’ve chosen to guide my thoughts this year, to help me start off on — and stay on! — the right foot for the coming month, year, and decade.

If you’d like help to Find Your Focus for 2020, please email me (gina@ginaprosch.com).  I still have a few open slots in my Find Your Focus class, but act now — enrollment in this class closes on January 5th.

Meanwhile, I wish you a happy and prosperous new year!