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positive reframe

Whatcha have to gain

Years ago, when my son was small, I remember reading a story about two boys who climbed a tree together and got themselves stuck out on a limb. Realizing their predicament, they yelled for help and their moms came running.

Both moms were frightened because the boys were far enough up that, if they fell, they would surely end up with a broken bone or worse.

The one mom yelled up to her son, “Don’t fall!” and the other mom hollered “Hold on tight!”

Of course, the boy who received the “don’t fall” advice did precisely the opposite and fell, breaking an arm in the process, while the boy who was told to “hold on tight” did as he was told and was brought safely to the ground.

After doing time momming a rough and tumble boy, I’ve had plenty of opportunity to think about that story and how childhood becomes a litany of No. Don’t. Never. Not.

Don’t eat so many cookies. Don’t run down the stairs. Don’t jump off the retaining wall.

But it’s oh so important to instead always, always, always–tell them what you want them to do, not what you don’t want them to do.

First off, for kids a “don’t” always seems to translate into “hmmmm…wonder would would happen if we did.”

Second, and more importantly, it’s about leading with a positive rather than a negative. DO tell them what you want them to do. Give them something positive to aim for rather than something negative to distract them.

I’ve been thinking about this idea the last few weeks because I’ve caught myself in some negative self-talk, and to be perfectly honest, some of it may have involved something along the lines of “don’t eat so many cookies” (chips may have also been on that list).

The No. Don’t. Never. Not. litany from childhood continues on. The only problem is there are now MORE of them than when I was a kid! And they’re all really important things.

Here’s the deal—my deal at least—in a world of punishments and rewards, sticks and carrots, I’m a carrot girl all the way. My life is better when I’m actively moving toward a positive rather than merely pushing against a negative.

But how to do that? How do I reframe those don’ts into dos? Think about the things I DO want to do?

Here’s a for instance. I enjoying looking down and seeing my toenails painted a fun, festive color. The other day as I stroked on the bright orange polish color, I thought about how much I DO like it when my toenails are a painted, rather than how much I don’t like it when they aren’t painted.

I’m not giving myself a pedicure to avoid a negative; instead, I’m chasing after a positive. And since I practically live in sandals all summer long, there’s more opportunities for me to see my happy clambake orange toenails. I’m creating added positive value.

Not exactly earthshaking, but honestly, my happy toenails poking out of my sandals began serving as a call to action for reframing other areas of my life.

  • Don’t text and drive  became DO drive safely—keep the phone hands-free.
  • Don’t forget to make hotel reservations turned into DO get the travel plans finalized.
  • Don’t eat so much junk food is now DO make healthy food choices.
  • Don’t get so stressed out transformed into DO relax and treat yourself with kindness.

How can you reframe your Don’ts into Dos?

Then think about “whatcha have to gain” instead of “whaddya got to lose.”

Filed Under: Gina Prosch Blog Tagged With: change the way you look at things, positive reframe

The Positive Reframe


A couple of weeks ago I mentioned positive reframing in my post “So How Bad Was It?”.

So what exactly is a positive reframe?

It’s a tool, used intentionally, that helps build emotional resilience, making it easier to bounce back following adversity.

Positive reframing doesn’t deny a negative thing has happened. It involves more than making lemonade from the lemons you’ve been handed.

It goes beyond looking for the silver lining to dark, gray clouds, making lemons from lemonade, or plunking on a pair of rose-colored glasses and pretending everything is fine…when it’s not.

What it does do is insist that you can’t focus exclusively on a single incident out of context.

My first encounter with the idea of positive reframing came years ago when I was in college studying art history. The topic was Renaissance painters, specifically Brunelleschi and his introduction of perspective to create a sense of depth in his work, and we joked that perspective was a use it or lose it technique.

But over the years that thought has stuck with me and resonated deeply with me. I can use my perspective or lose my perspective. The choice really is mine.

And that’s where positive reframing comes in because it’s all about using perspective.

I live close to the Missouri State Capitol building, and I enjoy walking around the Capitol grounds. On the north side of the building is a bronze statue which depicts the signing of the treaty that led to the Louisiana Purchase.

When you stand very close to the bronze, all you can see is James Monroe’s shoe. It’s shiny from years of small children rubbing on it. Move back a little bit and there’s Robert Livingston (US Ambassador to France), and there’s Barbé (Napoleon’s treasurer) both standing.

Move back a little further and there’s a fountain in front of the sculpture.

Step back even more to see the expanse of the Missouri River — where Louis and Clark once traveled West — appear as a backdrop.

When you stand back like that it makes for a gorgeous view…but it’s a lot harder to notice James Monroe’s shiny shoe.

I think life works exactly this way.

Gain perspective.

USE your perspective.

Expand the backdrop.

Decrease the negative by increasing the positive…even when it feels like there is nothing but devastation and despair.

Here’s one way to do it.

Think about something negative that happened to you in the past.

Begin by stating the facts as clearly, succinctly, and objectively as possible.

Maybe it’s something small like “Last night I burned the T-bone steaks.” It could be something more serious like “I hit a deer and totaled my car.” Maybe it’s something devastating like “I had a miscarriage.”

Then take a step back and put a “but” on the end of that statement.

“Last night I burned the T-bone steaks,…BUT our bottle of wine still tasted great with the frozen pizza.”
“I hit a deer and totaled my car,…BUT I wasn’t hurt.”
“I had a miscarriage,…BUT everyone at the doctor’s office was incredibly kind.”

Do this several times, each time adding something else you notice.

“Last night I burned the T-bone steaks,…but the smoke alarm didn’t go off and announce my achievement to everyone in the neighborhood.”
“I hit a deer and totaled my car,…BUT that’s why I have car insurance.”
“I had a miscarriage,…BUT my friend who had a miscarriage last year came over and sat with me and I felt less alone.”

So the story of last night’s dinner isn’t just about burned steaks, it’s about wine and a frozen pizza and an absence of fire trucks. The saga of the car isn’t just about crunched metal, it’s about being grateful for continued good health and the forethought to have car insurance. The story of the loss through miscarriage is also a story of kind health care providers and loving friends.

And that’s what positive reframing is all about — stepping back and taking another look at the situation to see what else might be there, too.

Filed Under: Gina Prosch Blog Tagged With: could have been worse, positive reframe, silver lining, take another look at it

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