every lifetime tells a story don't it

Dress the Part

Over the last several weeks I’ve talked about seeing your life as a story, with you in the starring role.

You’re making decisions that affect the action (plot) of your life’s story, and your story is taking place in a specific setting. Next up is the costuming!

As a general rule, I have a definite tendency to downplay the importance of clothes. Shopping for clothes isn’t something I enjoy all that much, and figuring out what to wear is nowhere near the highlight of my day. It’s a necessary hoop to jump through.

But just as costumes are a crucial part of any stage play or movie, clothes are an important part of our everyday life.

Back in the 1970s Frank Zappa, during one of his rock concerts, was heckled by a man in the audience. Zappa famously replied, “Everyone in this room is wearing a uniform, don’t kid yourself.”

I’ve thought about Zappa’s comment often and realized there’s a lot of truth to what he said.

I think about the different types of uniforms I wear for work and professional situations, in my life as a mom, for casual weekends and fancy dress occasions, or team / group activities. All these uniforms (a.k.a. costumes) show different sides to my life and my purpose at any given point in time.

But what do my costumes really look like? Do I like what those clothes say about me? Do my costumes reflect my character and how you see myself? Do they help others to see me? How has my taste changed — and consequently the costumes I choose for myself — since I was younger?

Thinking of my life as a story had me making time to reconsider my wardrobe from the perspective of someone in the costume department for a new play.

It’s called “The Story of My Life Right Now.”

To begin, I took everything out of my closet with the philosophy that I would build my costume department around the life that I’m living Right Now, not my life from 10 years (and 10 pounds) ago, not my life 5 years from now. I need to costume the ME I am today.

I got rid of the skinny jeans that may never fit again, and I also didn’t keep the fat jeans just in case I fall off the wagon. I dressed the body I have right now so I’m ready to leave the house each day.

Remember, I’m The Star in this story of my life, and as such, I deserve to feel good about the clothes I wear and the way I look. When clothes were out of style or seem tired and worn — I got rid of them. When I didn’t like the way clothes looked on me, I got rid of them. When I didn’t like the way clothes felt against my skin — I got rid of them. When the costume jewelry was tarnished, I got rid of it.

Along the way, I realized less can be more. Streamlining my Costume Department, means I don’t spend nearly as much time in the morning fretting about “not having anything to wear” because everything that’s in my closet fits and it’s something I like.

Now when I go shopping I do so with a clearer sense of what I want to communicate through my costuming.

What sort of costumes do you need for the next exciting chapter in The Story of You?

Are you changing jobs, retiring, deciding to be a stay-at-home mom? Why not schedule a field trip to your closet so you can dress the part with style?

Are You Set?

Once you have the characters and the action of your life’s story under control, it’s time to consider the setting.

Nothing takes place in a vacuum, so whether it’s a classic like Macbeth or something lighthearted like The Mary Tyler Moore Show, all the action happens during a certain time and place. Medieval Scotland and 1970s Minneapolis. Then beyond those big umbrellas locations, there are micro settings where scenes occur — Macbeth’s castle, Mary’s apartment; a battlefield in the forest or the WJM-TV newsroom.

So what are your settings?

Because we haven’t really gotten that time travel thing worked out yet, we can’t change the time-frame of our story.

There’s no going back into the past, and there’s no skipping ahead twenty years into the future to see what’s happening then.

Still, there are at least three major location-based settings that people do have control over: Home, Work, and Play. And each of those might be subdivided further.

Home
Your home might be the personal setting that immediately comes to mind when you think about your life’s action. The city and state you call home. Your neighborhood and then your house.

Think about the individual rooms in your house. Your kitchen or family room–the particular activities that take place there. What about a vacation home? If you have one, be sure you include that setting as well.

Think about how those various settings make you feel when you’re there.

Work
I work from home, so my work setting is upstairs, but for most people, work is something that takes place outside of their homes.

Where is your work setting? Are you outdoors or indoors most of the time? Does your profession require travel to new and different settings each week? Do you like the way you feel when you change settings from your personal space to your work space and vice versa?

Recreation
When you’re not at home or at work, where do you like to spend your time? Where does “your tribe” hang out? Do you stop by a neighborhood bar for a beer and a round of darts? Are you part of a community theatre group? Do you participate in recreational sports? Are you active in a church or synagogue? Do you build houses with Habitat? Are you a season ticket holder for a sports team?

Think about all the places you frequent on a regular basis that are neither home nor work related.

Changeability
In your life’s story, the setting is mutable — changeable. Stories may open in one place and conclude in another.

Sometimes a person who is seeking to make a change in her life will change her setting, just to shake things up — that’s how Mary Richards came to Minneapolis in the opening episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show. It’s also how Mary’s friend Rhoda got a show of her own — by moving back to New York City.

So, if you’re not happy with your current setting, work to change it–whether those changes be small tweaks or massive shifts.

A small tweak might be as simple as painting the living room or planting new shrubs in front of your house.

A medium change might involve buying a larger house to accommodate a growing family or moving across-town to cut own the morning commute.

Larger changes might involve switching up your work setting by taking a new job in a new location.

That’s how we once ended up in South Carolina–because I was offered a job. A few years down the road we may change our setting again, retiring from Missouri to a setting that’s sunny and warm, and doesn’t involve shoving snow.

In plays and stories, the setting helps reveal a character’s character or drive the action forward.

Your setting may shape your action and reveal your character, too.

The good news is, if your setting isn’t working for you (too much snow shoveling), you can always change it.

What’s Happening?

Last week I talked about the importance of seeing yourself as the main character in the unfolding drama that is your life. Once you’re set in your center stage role, and you’ve assembled your supporting cast, it’s time to move on to the plot…your plot.

The action of any story reflects on who did what to whom and why. The main character (that’s you!) is the one who undergoes some sort of change as a result of these actions.

Now a person’s life isn’t necessarily set up as neat or tidy as a novel or play, but there’s still an easy way to break up the action into manageable parts: what’s already happened and what will happen next.

Right now your life story is in media res — in the middle of things — so begin with what’s already happened, looking for the important events that shape the course of your life. Remember, not all the events, but all the big, important events.

The decisions that influenced what happened afterwards. The moments that changed the way you think about life.

So, while deciding to attend college in Nebraska makes the list, how I decorated my dorm room doesn’t.

However, something seemingly insignificant like deciding I would learn how to drink coffee (because that’s what I thought college kids did) turned out to be a decidedly important thing because my drinking coffee meant hanging out in the campus coffee shop. My husband is also a coffee drinker, and it was in the coffee shop that we began to meet up each evening (in an accidentally on purpose sort of way) for a cuppa.

Sometimes I wonder if I’d stuck with drinking tea if I have ended up married to someone else?

Once you have the list of major plot points in your life assembled, it’s on to the second part of this exercise: “what will happen next?”

Which is where the fun starts.

The story of your life is not over, but it is unwritten. And what’s even better? The fact you’re in charge of writing your own next chapter, and the next chapter after that, and the next chapter after that.

So if, when you read the story of your own life so far, you shake your head in disgust, remember that this can be the moment you turn it all around.

No one gets through life without making some boneheaded mistakes, and after making those mistakes the most important question always becomes “So…what will you do next?”

An acquaintance of mine recently celebrated more than twenty years clean and sober because there was a moment when he decided that what he had written in his life’s story was not going to define his future. He knew what happened in the past was not important as what was going to happen next. He decided to write a new better chapter for himself.

Of course the story you write for yourself may not be so dramatic, but the point is whatever you write next is up to you.

Maybe it’s not a question of eliminating toxic substances from your life but you realize you need to remove toxic people. Maybe you need to change up your supporting cast because there are people there who aren’t supportive at all.

Maybe it’s time to cash out of the high pressure job that pays great and looks great on paper but leaves you feeling empty and exhausted. You need to change the setting of your daily life.

Maybe it’s something a simple and complicated as starting a journey toward minimalism, clearing out closets, getting rid of all those “skinny jeans” that you’ll never wear again — you need to change your costuming for this new act.

The point is regardless what “what happens next” looks like for you — you have the power to write whatever story you want.

It might not be easy…but it’s possible.

Are You Ready to Be the Star?

This is the second in the What’s My Story? series of blog posts.

Have you ever wondered, “Where am I going in life?”

“What should I do next?” or maybe, “How did I end up where I am”?

Shakespeare reminds us that “all the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players,” and I try to heed that advice.

When I feel muddled or confused, unable to clearly answer those questions, taking a step back and thinking about my life as a unfolding play helps me create a sense of greater objectivity about what’s happening.

But where to start?

There are four major elements making up most dramas: characters, action, setting, and costumes. The single most important of these is characters because, without characters, there’s no action to be had, no need for a setting, no one to dress.

First and foremost there’s the main character — the star of the show, the person who changes over the course of events, the one the action revolves around.

Too often people hesitate to think of themselves as the main character starring in their own life.

It’s selfish, they think. Or narcissistic, or self-absorbed to see myself as the most important person in my own life.

But it’s not.

In our own lives, we each need to see ourself as the main character.

I deserve a star on my dressing room door, and you deserve one on yours. There’s no need to shy away from taking our place on center stage, from being the hero of our own lives.

There aren’t a lot of single-actor plays or stories with only a single character, and while I may be an introvert, I’m still social and share my life with other people. So do you.

That’s why the next step in mapping out your life as a story is to make a list of other characters in the ongoing drama – comedy, tragedy, or somewhere in between — that is your life.

Who’s with you on the stage?

Family, be it a spouse and children, parents and other extended relatives.
Colleagues and professionals you work with.
Friends you’ve known forever and a day or new friends you’ve just met.
People who wish only the best for you or villains eager to help you take a fall.
All the bit players, the seemingly inconsequential people who briefly crossed your path but made an impact on your life.

Once you’ve compiled your supporting cast consider the size of their roles. Who has a large part to play? Who has a smaller one? Which roles would you like to enlarge? Which do you want to shrink?

Be honest — who would you like to write out of the action completely? More importantly, could you easily do so? And if you can write them out…why don’t you?

Seeing myself as the leading role in a drama of my own creation reminds me that I owe it to myself to play the role for all I’m worth.

Maybe I’ll even get a star and put it on the closet wall to remind myself each morning — it’s MY life.

What’s Your Story?

A few months ago, my son got his driver’s permit.

As he’s learning to drive, I’ve taken on the role of Miss Daisy, letting him chauffeur me around town—which means I have more time to look around and take notice of the world.

Several weeks ago, I saw a guy dancing — literally dancing! — his way down the sidewalk wearing these amazing orange suede boots. I pointed him out to my driver, and we agreed that this guy knows how to have a good time.

And definitely has some serious dance moves.

Then last week, we were again driving across town doing errands, and we saw the same guy — same dance moves, same orange suede boots.

Yesterday, we saw him again, moving and grooving down the street.

My son said, “Don’t you wonder what that dude’s story is?”

We had a good laugh and tried to come up with answers to our questions:

What leads a guy to regularly dance down the sidewalks of a small midwestern town?
Does he have a set route he travels each time?
How often does he do this?
What music is he playing on those headphones he’s wearing?
And why the killer orange suede shoes?

I’m always curious about people’s stories. I wonder about the single shoe, boot, or sandal that’s in the middle of the road and the people who are now one shoe short of a pair.

I think my tendency to see people’s lives as stories comes from my background as an English teacher. I’ve spent a lifetime looking at novels and plays, analyzing stories and characters, and working to make sense of the narrative.

That carries over into my everyday life — I’m always working to make sense of my own life, my own story, to see character development, plot twists, and the changes in costuming, props, and scene.

It’s helpful to step outside myself and look at life from the point of view of someone reading or watching the play being crafted.

It’s interesting how one thing leads to another, how one decision hinges on something that happened before, how a change in setting changes character development.

In my career as a life-coach, I love to work with people who seek to make sense of their own personal narratives— to figure out exactly “What’s My Story?”

So this week I encourage you to take a step back and grab a front row seat, maybe even pop some popcorn. Watch your own life unfold before you.